Regret

"I guess you have to decide what is more painful... Doing something and regretting, or not doing something... And regretting it."

I've been pondering those words for a while now. Is it better to act or remain still knowing that either way could cause regret. I know that in my own life I have acted to quickly and regretted doing so. But even giving yourself time to think and plan isn't a sure fire way to be free from pain. Take this situation a couple dear friends have been dealing with. They have been married for 18 years, 2 kids. She had a two year affair and decided to leave. He was very unhappy, she was very happy. Now two months later, He has a new woman who is amazing and he is very happy. She is living a couple thousand miles away from anyone she knows (With the exception of the guy she left for) and very unhappy. What would have been better for her? Doing something and regretting it or not doing something and regretting it. Or my current situation. Me, boy , girl. Boy and girl have been dating for a while now. Boy flirts with me a lot. What would be better? Telling boy that I like him and risking a friendship or not telling him and not knowing if it would have worked out with him? These are the things filling my head. Why can't life be cut and dry.

Moments in the Woods ~ Stephen Sondheim

Wake up! Stop dreaming,
Stop prancing about the woods.
It's not beseeming.
What is it about the woods?
Back to life, back to sense,
back to child, back to husband.
No one lives in the woods!
There are vows, there are ties,
There are needs, there are standards,
There are shouldn't and shoulds.

Why not both instead?
There's the answer, if you're clever.
Have a child for warmth,
and a baker for bread,
And a prince, for.. whatever..
Never! It's these woods!

Face the facts, find the boy,
join the group, stop the giant--
Just get out of these woods.
Was that him? Yes it was.
Was that me? No it wasn't..
Just a trick of the woods!

Just a moment,
One peculiar passing moment.
Must it all be either less or more,
Either plain or grand?
Is it always 'or'? Is it never 'and'?
That's what woods are for:
For those moments in the woods...

Oh, if life were made of moments,
Even now and then a bad one--!
But if life were only moments,
Then you'd never know you had one.

First a witch, then a child,
then a Prince, then a moment--
Who can live in the woods?
And to get what you wish,
only just for a moment--
These are dangerous woods..

Let the moment go..
Don't forget it for a moment, though.
Just remembering you had an 'and,'
when you're back to 'or,'
Makes the 'or' mean more than is did before.
Now I understand--
And it's time to leave the woods.

Soo, um yeah

So I have been getting really pissy lately that no one is updating their blogs, but then I realized I hadn't in a long time either.

Life is generally good right now. I have a job, I'm working on some shows at the theater and I'm in the process of moving into my apartment for school next fall. All in all I'm doing OK.

I don't have a lot to say and I'm hoping that if I keep typing I'll say something worth saying. I saw my Best Friend from high school recently, he was up here from California, he just finished college. It was fun and a bit odd. See, he is gay and I know it but he has never told me he is. I read it on facebook. AND, I'm gay but have never told him but I'm pretty sure he knows it. We didn't need to tell each other because I think deep down we have both always known about the other. I think that is why we became such good friends to begin with.

I saw a picture on my phone today from a couple of years ago. It was a pic of a friend of mine who is Mormon , Married and I think he is gay. It may have been wishful thinking on m part, but just seeing the photo made me smile.

I hope to have something better to write about next time. Until then...

Kelly Clarkson

SOOOO I pretty much LOVE with Kelley Clarkson Here are the lyrics to two of my favorites. Beautiful Disaster and Addicted. Both of these songs remind me of places I have been and for some reason help me with the hope for tomorrow.


BEAUTIFUL DISASTER

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold

And If I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right, but it just ain't right

[Chorus] Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
He's strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight, baby hold me tight

[Chorus] Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy, hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of a miracle
Waiting so long
I've waited so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end, he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

[Chorus] Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Lord, he's so beautiful
He's beautifu


ADDICTED

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time

And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me

And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time, then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
[2x]

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Finals

Life is so crazy right now. I have finals this week and the the madness ends, well sort of, at least one big pressure will be off.

Epiphany

I was just lying in bed praying and I had an epiphany. I realized that my life hasn't been as God centered as it should be lately and was praying that God would cleanse me and make me whole and filled with his spirit, when it hit me. One of the things about a lot of gay people I know is that they are GAY first and foremost. That is their main identity, but I never felt that way, I always saw myself as an actor first, as an friend first, as someone who just happened to be gay. Now I realize that I was right but who I really am and who I really need to strive to be is a Christian first. I am a Christian who happens to be gay. I'm not a Gay Christian, but a Christian gay. I still have a long road ahead of me, and need God's guidance. I would appreciate any prayers you can spare. Thanks

Scary and Damaged

I want someone to love me! I completely understand why I'm alone. I mean nobody wants someone who is scary and damaged. The thing is... we are all scary and damaged, aren't we? Doesn't everyone have a past that affects how they approach a relationship or even just a friendship? I know that I have issues, but how can I recover from them if I don't have someone to help? I want to help someone through their stuff too. I want to need someone so much that if they died I would too from a broken heart. I want to find that one person who makes me complete. But what if there isn't anyone? What if I'm destined to be alone forever? I don't know if I could take that. When ever I picture the future there is always a faceless person there, just waiting to be assigned an identity, but what if all my thoughts and hopes and dreams are for naught? I don't know if I would want to have a life if it is going to be spent alone. I know much less deserving people than me who have great relationships. I would be royally pissed if these shitty people were destined to be in a loving happy relationship while I'm not, unless, I'm not that deserving to begin with. I realized the other day, I like to flirt. Boys, girls it doesn't matter I'm a flirt, even when I don't want to be. Take the recent guy in my life. I don't want a relationship with him. I know that I just talked about wanting to see him again a few posts ago but I really don't anymore. But he came over the other day. I could tell he wanted to mess around, but I didn't. So I just let him stand there and talk for a bit. I wanted him to leave, but as I was talking to him I noticed that I was flirting. I was leading him on! I hate that! I don't want to be known as a tease. I saw him later that night and he followed me everywhere. I lost him eventually, and felt sort of bad about it, but I didn't want to lead him on. The truth is after messing around with him I really didn't want to see him again. He is now associated with things I don't want to think about.

Kisses and More

WOW! Think I just made a big mistake!!!! The guy came over again and we kissed some more and did some other stuff. I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm feeling scared, and sad, and confused, and dirty and I really need a friend. I'm ready to cry and throw up all at once. I feel like I need a shower and to brush my teeth. I'm also really scared because this is the first time I've ever done anything and it's almost as if it makes me officially gay. I could really use some kind words because I already have the "You are really going straight to hell" in mind.