Epiphany

I was just lying in bed praying and I had an epiphany. I realized that my life hasn't been as God centered as it should be lately and was praying that God would cleanse me and make me whole and filled with his spirit, when it hit me. One of the things about a lot of gay people I know is that they are GAY first and foremost. That is their main identity, but I never felt that way, I always saw myself as an actor first, as an friend first, as someone who just happened to be gay. Now I realize that I was right but who I really am and who I really need to strive to be is a Christian first. I am a Christian who happens to be gay. I'm not a Gay Christian, but a Christian gay. I still have a long road ahead of me, and need God's guidance. I would appreciate any prayers you can spare. Thanks

Scary and Damaged

I want someone to love me! I completely understand why I'm alone. I mean nobody wants someone who is scary and damaged. The thing is... we are all scary and damaged, aren't we? Doesn't everyone have a past that affects how they approach a relationship or even just a friendship? I know that I have issues, but how can I recover from them if I don't have someone to help? I want to help someone through their stuff too. I want to need someone so much that if they died I would too from a broken heart. I want to find that one person who makes me complete. But what if there isn't anyone? What if I'm destined to be alone forever? I don't know if I could take that. When ever I picture the future there is always a faceless person there, just waiting to be assigned an identity, but what if all my thoughts and hopes and dreams are for naught? I don't know if I would want to have a life if it is going to be spent alone. I know much less deserving people than me who have great relationships. I would be royally pissed if these shitty people were destined to be in a loving happy relationship while I'm not, unless, I'm not that deserving to begin with. I realized the other day, I like to flirt. Boys, girls it doesn't matter I'm a flirt, even when I don't want to be. Take the recent guy in my life. I don't want a relationship with him. I know that I just talked about wanting to see him again a few posts ago but I really don't anymore. But he came over the other day. I could tell he wanted to mess around, but I didn't. So I just let him stand there and talk for a bit. I wanted him to leave, but as I was talking to him I noticed that I was flirting. I was leading him on! I hate that! I don't want to be known as a tease. I saw him later that night and he followed me everywhere. I lost him eventually, and felt sort of bad about it, but I didn't want to lead him on. The truth is after messing around with him I really didn't want to see him again. He is now associated with things I don't want to think about.

Kisses and More

WOW! Think I just made a big mistake!!!! The guy came over again and we kissed some more and did some other stuff. I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm feeling scared, and sad, and confused, and dirty and I really need a friend. I'm ready to cry and throw up all at once. I feel like I need a shower and to brush my teeth. I'm also really scared because this is the first time I've ever done anything and it's almost as if it makes me officially gay. I could really use some kind words because I already have the "You are really going straight to hell" in mind.

Kisses

So, I just had an interesting experience. I was at a BBQ at school and there was this guy that I had thought was pretty cute. I had seen him before and the boy was obviously gay. So after the BBQ he came up to my dorm room to watch "Desperate Housewives." Well, it was fun and we ended up Making out for a good while there. I haven't made out with a guy since November. I have to say It was nice to get back into that groove. I hope to see him again.