A Change In Me

So, it has been a while since I blogged. I’ve been pretty busy, but I also have been putting this blog off. I just didn’t want to write it, but if I’m going to truly move on and heal I need to just get all my thoughts out. It’s about a boy, we will call him Luke. I met Luke about two years ago, and we hit it off right away. He quickly became one of my best if not my best friend. We did all kinds of things together including coming out of the closet. He helped me through out this process more than I can say. I grew up in a conservative Christian home where being gay was not ok. It has been hard on my family, but they haven’t abandoned me, and I love them so much because of that. Luke and I put a lot of time and energy into each other. It didn’t take long for me to realize that my feelings toward him weren’t exactly platonic. I fell for him and I fell hard. Which really sucks when the person you fall for doesn’t feel that way about you. About a month after we came out and he made it clear he did not want a relationship he moved, to a far away state. I actually helped him move there. We drove there together stopping in at family and friends along the way. We had a great time, then I left and two days later he cut off contact for over a month. This wasn’t the first time he took a “break” from our relationship. When we finally started talking again he let me know he had a boyfriend. I already knew this because his sister told me, but it was still weird. I also was weary of who he was dating. He had some recent run ins with the law. We continued to talk and my parents even offered to pay for him to come visit. So we planned his visit and he came up over the holidays. While he was here some shit happened, it wasn’t good. The boyfriend freaked because he thought we were messing around and Luke claims that it almost ended their relationship. Well, he went back and two days later I got a message from him that he needed space. About a month later I got a text message from him that the friendship was over. I didn’t hear from him for over six months. On the anniversary of the day he came out I sent him a text saying congrats on a year of living, and He responded with “Who is this?” He called the next morning and when I answered the first word out of his mouth were “Who is this?” It was at that point, seven months after his, it’s over, message that I finally accepted it. I had, had people telling me that he treated me badly all a long, but I never accepted that. Looking back I still don’t. Well, about a month ago he posted a blog saying he had hear I was talking shit about him and calling him an ass-hole. This was months after the last time we “communicated.” Talk about a nail in a coffin. It’s been odd thinking about this whole thing. I mean, I know that I was partially to blame for the problem we had that led to the downfall of our relationship, but this whole thing has scared me so much about future relationships. I know that I clang to him too much. I know that what happened when he was visiting wasn’t his or my fault. I have a friend that has said he thinks that Luke came up here looking for something to happen so he could feel justified in ending our friendship. I don’t know if I buy that. I guess all I really know is that even if he were to call tomorrow and say he was willing to accept his part of the blame and wanted to work things out, I wouldn’t do it. You see, over the past year, I’ve grown up a lot. I’m not the same guy that needed him. I don’t want to move backward.
I’ve been reading all these blogs by the gay Mormon crew and My heart just aches for them, because there are in a place that I was a couple of years ago, even though I may never be able to fully understand their pain as I’m not Mormon. I hope that all of you, whose blogs I read know that you have touched my life so much over the past few months. Just knowing that there are people out there who may have a bit of understanding is a huge support. Thanks






A Change In Me
By Alan Menken and Tim Rice

There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad
And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams
But I don't mind
For now I love the world I see
No change of heart a change in me
For in my dark despair
I slowly understood
My perfect world out there
Had disappeared for good
But in it's place I feel
A truer life begin
And it's so good and real
It must come from within
And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams but I don't mind
I'm where and who I want to be
No change of heart
A change in me
No change of heart
A change in me