Weirded Out
So, this guy I went out with is off the market now. He has his first girlfriend... Yes girlfriend. I'm not sure what he's doing but I think this could be a huge test for himself. I have no problems with people trying things out and I even encourage it, but I will be upset with him if he hurts this girl by leading her on and pretending to be something he's not. I do have to say that I'm a bit disappointed he chose now to try this out, but It also make perfect sense that as a young man in a private Christian institution he would get scared by the idea of feelings for another guy. I know it has been hard for him to deal with it because of his background and even when we were out together he talked about not being sure about his feelings, was he gay, was he bi, he knew he's not straight. Now comes the part where I play the supportive friend role. Do I tell him my concerns about hurting the girl, do I sit back and wait to see how it happens? Any Advice? Let me say the things I know for a fact, that have come from his mouth.
1. He is Emotionally attracted to her but not sure about the physical.
2. He doesn't want to put a sexual orientation label on himself.
3. He's scared about the homosexual feelings he has had.
I know that I have a bit of a bias when it comes to this because I like him, but I would appreciate any advice I can get.
1. He is Emotionally attracted to her but not sure about the physical.
2. He doesn't want to put a sexual orientation label on himself.
3. He's scared about the homosexual feelings he has had.
I know that I have a bit of a bias when it comes to this because I like him, but I would appreciate any advice I can get.
posted by Seth R at 4:29 PM
2 Comments:
That does suck for you that he chose to try that now, but I think its good he's trying and the best thing you can do is be a supportive friend. At a "private Christian university" everything is pushing toward dating girls. If we're ever going to do it, this is probably the time.
Is it going to work out? I have no idea. For me and my friends it never has, but it has always been good, but yeah a little stressful. Girls make awesome friends and there's a lot I've learned from getting close to them about them and about myself. SSA guys don't make great boyfriends for straight girls. Still, dating a girl is a good break from other stresses cause for a while you feel kind of "normal" and get to do stuff like go to plays and out to eat and stuff without even having to touch the gay topic or feel gay. I'm not saying that's the solution, just why we do it sometimes.
Girls have unfortunately been hurt. But you know what? Girls get hurt in every relationship... especially the ones that don't work out. I wish that didn't happen but its kind of life. And it hurts the guy a ton when he knows he's hurt a great girl. If your friend is really emotionally attracted to her then I think he'll at least be sensitive enough to be careful with that issue.
So my opinion: let your buddy date. Its the only way he's going to find out about himself. Let the girl date him. She'll learn things too. Be a supportive friend and he'll still be your friend--probably more than ever--when/if the dating ends.
Now... on the topic of marriage that's a whole other story for another day...
Below are some of my comments and a response from another blog post about ssa guys dating girls.
El Veneno said:
On the girl thing, I'm at the same point you are. I've dated girls who were fun, interesting, and everything I should want. I've made out like it was a chore like you said. With the most recent girl I honestly went home and brushed my teeth for like 5 minutes straight afterwards then called up a guy friend and spent the next several hours just emotionally healing from the conflicted confusion caused. For the female readers, don't get me wrong- I totally cared about the girl and it took me months to kiss her, in fact, she kissed me first so I don't want to sound like I was just messing with her or experimenting or something... I'm just saying its complicated. Anyways, I'm interested to hear the girls perspectives.
Cry me a river said:
Yay for girl comments.
Female perspective: It's not an ideal situation. In fact, for the girl, it's probably far from ideal. A girl would probably love the attention that you would be giving her. I know that I love talking to you because you have a ton of excellent qualities that make you an awesome person to talk to. So Chick might feel the same way. I have to also say though, that I would feel slighted in terms of attraction. I would want whoever I was with to be attracted to me, preferably strongly attracted.
So all in all, my opinion is that a gay guy is an awesome friend, but not so good as a boyfriend. But you know, I haven't met a lot of gay guys that pursue girls, so god only knows what works.
El veneno said:
Cry me a river-
Thanks for an honest comment. I've had lots of fun dating girls casually and I think that's cool for everyone involved because its more just like being friends like you said. They feel good to have a guy with them and I feel good to not be alone. I've dated a few girls more seriously and always worried about somehow cheating them because I'm not that in to them.
Hearing your opinion isn't easy cause its not like the warm fuzzy response that says "yeah, we can just pretend everything is perfect" but its the truth and thats good to hear. I'll keep dating girls and trying to be emotionally and physically honest with them. Although I haven't yet told a girl that I'm really more attracted to guys I don't fake attraction that's not there either. I mean I just try to be honest without dropping the "gay" bomb cause that is so misunderstood and I'm sure would hurt them. I hope that someday I'll meet a girl and really be attracted to everything about her. I think its a possibility and when that happens I know I'll feel great about the relationship cause I will be physically and emotionally interested in her. Plus, I'll be sensitive and enjoy shopping with her, so she gets the best of both worlds. I'll tell her the whole truth about myself when I know I love her enough that I want to make it work forever with her and then I'll let her make the decision. I know that's going to be an uncomfortable moment and maybe hurt her but honestly that's the only way I know to do it. Anyways, that's a long way off but I think it can happen.
Really thanks for posting and hopefully more girls give their opinions.
Run. Run. Run. If he hasn't figured out he is gay yet then he will without a doubt break your heart. I feel bad for the girl he's dating.
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