When did we lose ever after?

Regret

2006-11-28T15:24:00.000-08:00

"I guess you have to decide what is more painful... Doing something and regretting, or not doing something... And regretting it."

I've been pondering those words for a while now. Is it better to act or remain still knowing that either way could cause regret. I know that in my own life I have acted to quickly and regretted doing so. But even giving yourself time to think and plan isn't a sure fire way to be free from pain. Take this situation a couple dear friends have been dealing with. They have been married for 18 years, 2 kids. She had a two year affair and decided to leave. He was very unhappy, she was very happy. Now two months later, He has a new woman who is amazing and he is very happy. She is living a couple thousand miles away from anyone she knows (With the exception of the guy she left for) and very unhappy. What would have been better for her? Doing something and regretting it or not doing something and regretting it. Or my current situation. Me, boy , girl. Boy and girl have been dating for a while now. Boy flirts with me a lot. What would be better? Telling boy that I like him and risking a friendship or not telling him and not knowing if it would have worked out with him? These are the things filling my head. Why can't life be cut and dry.

Moments in the Woods ~ Stephen Sondheim

Wake up! Stop dreaming,
Stop prancing about the woods.
It's not beseeming.
What is it about the woods?
Back to life, back to sense,
back to child, back to husband.
No one lives in the woods!
There are vows, there are ties,
There are needs, there are standards,
There are shouldn't and shoulds.

Why not both instead?
There's the answer, if you're clever.
Have a child for warmth,
and a baker for bread,
And a prince, for.. whatever..
Never! It's these woods!

Face the facts, find the boy,
join the group, stop the giant--
Just get out of these woods.
Was that him? Yes it was.
Was that me? No it wasn't..
Just a trick of the woods!

Just a moment,
One peculiar passing moment.
Must it all be either less or more,
Either plain or grand?
Is it always 'or'? Is it never 'and'?
That's what woods are for:
For those moments in the woods...

Oh, if life were made of moments,
Even now and then a bad one--!
But if life were only moments,
Then you'd never know you had one.

First a witch, then a child,
then a Prince, then a moment--
Who can live in the woods?
And to get what you wish,
only just for a moment--
These are dangerous woods..

Let the moment go..
Don't forget it for a moment, though.
Just remembering you had an 'and,'
when you're back to 'or,'
Makes the 'or' mean more than is did before.
Now I understand--
And it's time to leave the woods.

Soo, um yeah

2006-07-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

So I have been getting really pissy lately that no one is updating their blogs, but then I realized I hadn't in a long time either.

Life is generally good right now. I have a job, I'm working on some shows at the theater and I'm in the process of moving into my apartment for school next fall. All in all I'm doing OK.

I don't have a lot to say and I'm hoping that if I keep typing I'll say something worth saying. I saw my Best Friend from high school recently, he was up here from California, he just finished college. It was fun and a bit odd. See, he is gay and I know it but he has never told me he is. I read it on facebook. AND, I'm gay but have never told him but I'm pretty sure he knows it. We didn't need to tell each other because I think deep down we have both always known about the other. I think that is why we became such good friends to begin with.

I saw a picture on my phone today from a couple of years ago. It was a pic of a friend of mine who is Mormon , Married and I think he is gay. It may have been wishful thinking on m part, but just seeing the photo made me smile.

I hope to have something better to write about next time. Until then...

Kelly Clarkson

2006-06-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

SOOOO I pretty much LOVE with Kelley Clarkson Here are the lyrics to two of my favorites. Beautiful Disaster and Addicted. Both of these songs remind me of places I have been and for some reason help me with the hope for tomorrow.

BEAUTIFUL DISASTER

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold

And If I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right, but it just ain't right

[Chorus] Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
He's strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight, baby hold me tight

[Chorus] Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy, hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of a miracle
Waiting so long
I've waited so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end, he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

[Chorus] Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Lord, he's so beautiful
He's beautifu

ADDICTED

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time

And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me

And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time, then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
[2x]

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts, in my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Finals

2006-06-13T09:56:00.000-07:00

Life is so crazy right now. I have finals this week and the the madness ends, well sort of, at least one big pressure will be off.

Epiphany

2006-05-22T01:28:00.000-07:00

I was just lying in bed praying and I had an epiphany. I realized that my life hasn't been as God centered as it should be lately and was praying that God would cleanse me and make me whole and filled with his spirit, when it hit me. One of the things about a lot of gay people I know is that they are GAY first and foremost. That is their main identity, but I never felt that way, I always saw myself as an actor first, as an friend first, as someone who just happened to be gay. Now I realize that I was right but who I really am and who I really need to strive to be is a Christian first. I am a Christian who happens to be gay. I'm not a Gay Christian, but a Christian gay. I still have a long road ahead of me, and need God's guidance. I would appreciate any prayers you can spare. Thanks

Scary and Damaged

2006-05-15T00:44:00.000-07:00

I want someone to love me! I completely understand why I'm alone. I mean nobody wants someone who is scary and damaged. The thing is... we are all scary and damaged, aren't we? Doesn't everyone have a past that affects how they approach a relationship or even just a friendship? I know that I have issues, but how can I recover from them if I don't have someone to help? I want to help someone through their stuff too. I want to need someone so much that if they died I would too from a broken heart. I want to find that one person who makes me complete. But what if there isn't anyone? What if I'm destined to be alone forever? I don't know if I could take that. When ever I picture the future there is always a faceless person there, just waiting to be assigned an identity, but what if all my thoughts and hopes and dreams are for naught? I don't know if I would want to have a life if it is going to be spent alone. I know much less deserving people than me who have great relationships. I would be royally pissed if these shitty people were destined to be in a loving happy relationship while I'm not, unless, I'm not that deserving to begin with. I realized the other day, I like to flirt. Boys, girls it doesn't matter I'm a flirt, even when I don't want to be. Take the recent guy in my life. I don't want a relationship with him. I know that I just talked about wanting to see him again a few posts ago but I really don't anymore. But he came over the other day. I could tell he wanted to mess around, but I didn't. So I just let him stand there and talk for a bit. I wanted him to leave, but as I was talking to him I noticed that I was flirting. I was leading him on! I hate that! I don't want to be known as a tease. I saw him later that night and he followed me everywhere. I lost him eventually, and felt sort of bad about it, but I didn't want to lead him on. The truth is after messing around with him I really didn't want to see him again. He is now associated with things I don't want to think about.

Kisses and More

2006-05-05T23:56:00.000-07:00

WOW! Think I just made a big mistake!!!! The guy came over again and we kissed some more and did some other stuff. I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm feeling scared, and sad, and confused, and dirty and I really need a friend. I'm ready to cry and throw up all at once. I feel like I need a shower and to brush my teeth. I'm also really scared because this is the first time I've ever done anything and it's almost as if it makes me officially gay. I could really use some kind words because I already have the "You are really going straight to hell" in mind.

Kisses

2006-05-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

So, I just had an interesting experience. I was at a BBQ at school and there was this guy that I had thought was pretty cute. I had seen him before and the boy was obviously gay. So after the BBQ he came up to my dorm room to watch "Desperate Housewives." Well, it was fun and we ended up Making out for a good while there. I haven't made out with a guy since November. I have to say It was nice to get back into that groove. I hope to see him again.

not yet

2006-04-12T17:25:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'm ready to have a relationship yet, but I really wish I had someone to share my life with. It sucks being lonley.

I'm Still Here

2006-04-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

In the imortal words of Stephen Sondheim,

Good times and bum times
I've seen them all and my dear
I'm still here.

WOW I suck at blogging, it's been a month again. I'm here, and doing well. I'm loving school and my life seems pretty manageable right now.

So a good friend of mine, actually one of my best is a 34-year-old married Mormon woman. A few weeks ago she got called into see her Bishop. The reason he called her in was because there had been people expressing concern because they thought...

A: She is hanging out with a guy who isn't her husband, they must be having an affair.
or
B: Waterfalls is gay and she shouldn't associate with him.

She called me right away because of how ridiculous it was. I've always had a soft spot for Mormons because I have had some great Mormon friends and love them dearly, but I don't want them getting into trouble at church because of me. When are people going to realize that this is not a choice?

I'm Not That Girl

2006-03-18T00:21:00.000-08:00

By Stephen Schwartz

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl.

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows
I'm not that girl...

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...

So I've been listening to this song and trying to figure out why I always fall for the straight guys, who even if they were gay would be out of my league. It sucks !!!

Truth or Dare

2006-03-17T11:25:00.000-08:00

last night while playing I got ask, "If you could have sex with any girl, who would it be?" and I could not think of one.

Long Time

2006-03-06T00:20:00.000-08:00

WOW! Life has been busy latley. I'm in the middle of performing a show and it is going well. I'm having a lot of fun and have made some great friends. The thing is, I'm becoming very confused about some things and figured that I could post here and get feedback if anyone still reads this blog.

So, There is a guy in the cast whom I have become very close to, I love him more than words can say. He and his sister who is also in the cast have become like family to me. They both know about my being gay and are cool with it, actually I'm not the only gay guy in the cast and we are all so loved and acceoted here it is amazing. I love these people. So here is the deal with this guy who we will call Peter.

We had a party at his house last night and had a ton of fun, there was a lot of alcohol and music, I had my limit of one drink since I didn't know how long I was going to stay and I was driving but some people Peter included has a lot more. So as I'm sitting on a couch with a friend I look over to Peter dancing with this girl who anoth friend of ours has a BIG thing for. Peter has given him advice and such and here he is dancing with her, I'm talking pelvic thrusting legs wrap around straddling dancing, OH YEAH, also beyond drunk. So I see this and all kinds of emotions start going.

1. I personally don't want to dance like that unless I'm in a relationship with this person, and It was weird and uncomfortable to see my friends doing that.

2. I was scared of how much further it could go and then what would the reprucussions be if the other friend found out about it.

3. I think I felt a bit jelouse that I didn't have someone to do that with and kind of wanted that someone to be Peter.

So before anything else could happen between the two of them She got sick and puked and left the party, ONE CRISIS AVERTED. But what about this tinge of jelousy I had inside of me. I mean Peter is straight and I don't want to have sex with him or anything. I wouldn't persue a relationship with him even if he was gay because I care about him so much I don't want to risk our relationship. I love him. Maybe it is just going to take getting used to the fact that no matter how close we may be and how much we may love each other I will always be at risk of being put into the number two position by a girl.

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T10:22:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to wish a Happy Valentine's Day to all of you great guys out there. You have been an encouragement to me over the past few months. I hope that can feel the astonishing amounts of Love people and God have for you today.

Brokeback to the Future

2006-02-06T17:16:00.000-08:00

PLEASE watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfODSPIYwpQ

A Change In Me

2006-02-05T23:29:00.000-08:00

So, it has been a while since I blogged. I’ve been pretty busy, but I also have been putting this blog off. I just didn’t want to write it, but if I’m going to truly move on and heal I need to just get all my thoughts out. It’s about a boy, we will call him Luke. I met Luke about two years ago, and we hit it off right away. He quickly became one of my best if not my best friend. We did all kinds of things together including coming out of the closet. He helped me through out this process more than I can say. I grew up in a conservative Christian home where being gay was not ok. It has been hard on my family, but they haven’t abandoned me, and I love them so much because of that. Luke and I put a lot of time and energy into each other. It didn’t take long for me to realize that my feelings toward him weren’t exactly platonic. I fell for him and I fell hard. Which really sucks when the person you fall for doesn’t feel that way about you. About a month after we came out and he made it clear he did not want a relationship he moved, to a far away state. I actually helped him move there. We drove there together stopping in at family and friends along the way. We had a great time, then I left and two days later he cut off contact for over a month. This wasn’t the first time he took a “break” from our relationship. When we finally started talking again he let me know he had a boyfriend. I already knew this because his sister told me, but it was still weird. I also was weary of who he was dating. He had some recent run ins with the law. We continued to talk and my parents even offered to pay for him to come visit. So we planned his visit and he came up over the holidays. While he was here some shit happened, it wasn’t good. The boyfriend freaked because he thought we were messing around and Luke claims that it almost ended their relationship. Well, he went back and two days later I got a message from him that he needed space. About a month later I got a text message from him that the friendship was over. I didn’t hear from him for over six months. On the anniversary of the day he came out I sent him a text saying congrats on a year of living, and He responded with “Who is this?” He called the next morning and when I answered the first word out of his mouth were “Who is this?” It was at that point, seven months after his, it’s over, message that I finally accepted it. I had, had people telling me that he treated me badly all a long, but I never accepted that. Looking back I still don’t. Well, about a month ago he posted a blog saying he had hear I was talking shit about him and calling him an ass-hole. This was months after the last time we “communicated.” Talk about a nail in a coffin. It’s been odd thinking about this whole thing. I mean, I know that I was partially to blame for the problem we had that led to the downfall of our relationship, but this whole thing has scared me so much about future relationships. I know that I clang to him too much. I know that what happened when he was visiting wasn’t his or my fault. I have a friend that has said he thinks that Luke came up here looking for something to happen so he could feel justified in ending our friendship. I don’t know if I buy that. I guess all I really know is that even if he were to call tomorrow and say he was willing to accept his part of the blame and wanted to work things out, I wouldn’t do it. You see, over the past year, I’ve grown up a lot. I’m not the same guy that needed him. I don’t want to move backward.
I’ve been reading all these blogs by the gay Mormon crew and My heart just aches for them, because there are in a place that I was a couple of years ago, even though I may never be able to fully understand their pain as I’m not Mormon. I hope that all of you, whose blogs I read know that you have touched my life so much over the past few months. Just knowing that there are people out there who may have a bit of understanding is a huge support. Thanks

A Change In Me
By Alan Menken and Tim Rice

There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad
And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams
But I don't mind
For now I love the world I see
No change of heart a change in me
For in my dark despair
I slowly understood
My perfect world out there
Had disappeared for good
But in it's place I feel
A truer life begin
And it's so good and real
It must come from within
And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams but I don't mind
I'm where and who I want to be
No change of heart
A change in me
No change of heart
A change in me

Friends

2006-01-28T17:20:00.000-08:00

This blog is for a friend, you know who you are.

Things are going pretty well. I have a birthday party for a friend tonight and I'm excited for that. Other than that life as been pretty low key. I hope everyone else is doing well.

I was watching a Dawson's Creek today and was going to quote it here, but it got erased from the tivo before I could post it. It was really good though.

Gay Christian

2006-01-18T10:54:00.000-08:00

I recently found this site and just being able to discuss stuff has helped me a lot. It isn't specifically for Mormons but it is a gay christian network. Please go and be supported.

www.gaychristian.net

Church

2006-01-14T20:30:00.000-08:00

I wish I could find a church to go to that I can be myself and they still love me and accept me.

Hmmmm

2006-01-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been attracted to someone, maybe dated them, but when it's all over and you have some space there go... What the hell was that about?

Old Friends

2006-01-11T13:27:00.000-08:00

So, I've been really... I don't even know the word, frustrated, hurt, sad, indifferent, latly. I feel distanced from my "friends" and I don't know why. No I do. I just don't understand why. I started seperating myself from these people when I started to see them exlcude me and another friend. Then I don't know if I'm changeing or they are and who is doing it for the better or worse, but we suddenly lost all relationship. I wish we could get things back, but I don't know where it went wrong.

Being Alive

2006-01-09T23:19:00.000-08:00

By: Stephen Sondheim

Somebody hold me too close
Somebody hurt me too deep
Somebody sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware of being alive

Somebody need me too much
Somebody know me too well
Somebody pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support for being alive-being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive!

Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I'll always be there
As frightened as you to help us survive,
Being alive, being alive, being alive, being alive

A New Year

2006-01-08T18:20:00.000-08:00

"...but sometimes I think you have to remove yourself from the situation, from the person. There are people that can hurt you too much, so much that their self-destructive life patterns are a threat to your ability to be the person that you want to be, your ability to continue supporting the other people in your life. " ~ Protean in Utah

I read this in a blog that I read regularly. I was shocked to see someone put in words a situation I have grown to understand so well. It hurts to let go of someone but is sometimes nessasary. As we have started a new year I have been thinking a lot about the last fe years and my life. 2004 was a big year in personal development as the year I came out of the closet.
2005 was the year of getting use to myself and discovering who I really am.
I see 2006 as the year where I start to fully be me all the time and TRY not to hide.

I hope that I can look back at this coming year and be happy with who I am and how far I have come.

Nothing much

2005-12-12T23:29:00.000-08:00

So I haven't been on for a while and sad as it may be, don't really have much to talk about. I saw the guy that I had dated a few days ago and he told me about his dating this girl (I had read it in a blog he didn't remember I had the address to before). As I walked up to his door I was kind of uncomfortable with the whole thing, then he answered, and Maybe I really am shallow, but when I looked at him my first thought was, "You wanted to date him why?" Is that horrible?

So a very good friend of mine is Mormon, she and her husband invite new people in their ward over for dinner as they come. Sunday they had a new couple over. The female part of this couple is the sister of a boy from my past. Things didn't go well with him. So my friend and his sister talked about what happened between boy and me and now I may finally have some closure. From what the sister said, the boy has been saying quite untrue things about this situation. It's sad to me still because I really did love him and would have been there for him through anything. He was JUST a friend, like really, I would have liked more and he didn't and I had to deal with that but we never dated or anything. What we had was a friendship that was a pivotal role in my life. True, it felt more like a boyfriend that best friend at the time and it certainly felt like a break up when we parted but we never had anything. I still don't know how I feel about everything. I have a bunch of friends that are in contact with him but pretend like he has fallen off the face of the planet when I am around. They all tell me I'm better off without him, and I know they have good intentions but I don't think I have actually dealt with this whole thing yet and I sadly don't have people I can work through it with because they all either know him or just want me to forget him. You know,Sometimes I really want to make a name for myself just to rub it in his face... Is that horrible?

Well, I should take off. Until next time.

"I think, sometimes you have to lose somebody completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you." ~ Dawson Leary

Weirded Out

2005-11-30T16:29:00.000-08:00

So, this guy I went out with is off the market now. He has his first girlfriend... Yes girlfriend. I'm not sure what he's doing but I think this could be a huge test for himself. I have no problems with people trying things out and I even encourage it, but I will be upset with him if he hurts this girl by leading her on and pretending to be something he's not. I do have to say that I'm a bit disappointed he chose now to try this out, but It also make perfect sense that as a young man in a private Christian institution he would get scared by the idea of feelings for another guy. I know it has been hard for him to deal with it because of his background and even when we were out together he talked about not being sure about his feelings, was he gay, was he bi, he knew he's not straight. Now comes the part where I play the supportive friend role. Do I tell him my concerns about hurting the girl, do I sit back and wait to see how it happens? Any Advice? Let me say the things I know for a fact, that have come from his mouth.

1. He is Emotionally attracted to her but not sure about the physical.

2. He doesn't want to put a sexual orientation label on himself.

3. He's scared about the homosexual feelings he has had.

I know that I have a bit of a bias when it comes to this because I like him, but I would appreciate any advice I can get.

First Date

2005-11-20T23:24:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it. I went on my first official date with another guy. It was weird and scary and I'm glad the first is over. We went to see a play at a local high school that some of my friends were in. The school is in a rather small town and I'm pretty sure that we are the talk of the town as the two gay guys that were holding hands during the show. We went with my good mormon friend so it must have looked REALLY weird. Well, I really don't have a lot of time right now so let me end with thins. Kissing is really fun.

Uppers

2005-11-13T13:17:00.000-08:00

So I was looking around my blog, reading the comments (Which I love getting) and thought... "I'm happy right now, I don't have anything to write about." but then it dawned on me, maybe some of the nice cyber people out there would like to know I'm doing pretty good. I need to take my pill today but I've been good about remembering and I can tell there are working. School is still a huge stress in my life right now but it only last another three or four weeks and then break time. I'm gonna take a lighter load next term.

I was talking to a good friend on Friday night about how Thanksgiving thru Christmas is a hard time of year for me because of the events that took place this time of year last year. It's nice to be able to say, "I'm having a difficult time and I can use your support." It was also nice to have her tell me that she has baggage from this time of year and know that I can be there for her when she needs it.

I think my big problem now is that I'm kind of crushing on this guy I haven't seen in over a year, but have recently been in brief contact with. I would like to get together but I don't know what he would want or expect. ( our last encounter was interesting to say the least). I kind of want to just say , Hey, wanna go out sometime? But I'd really would like to see him and I don't want to scare him off. Then of course I have my celebrity crushes, I don't see those as a possibility however, but honestly Jim Verraros from season 1 of American Idol... So hot.

well that's me right now, be back again later.

I'm just plain tired

2005-11-08T12:57:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have people that you are super close to that for some reason or another you find your self pushing away or just not perusing any longer? I have found myself doing that lately. I'm just kind of secluding myself whenever possible. Then when I do spend time with certain people I find that I really don't want to be around them.

I'm tired of school. I like going to school here but it's so damn far away from where I want to be. I want to have more opportunities for shows to audition for but being an hour and a half from most theaters is making that kind of hard. I want to transfer but at the same time I really like the people I'm interacting with here. I don't know. Sometimes I think I would be better off just picking up everything and moving to NYC to go for it now. Honestly if I were in a place of financial stability I would just pick up and go. Maybe I would finally meet someone special that will love for me and not try to make me someone else, or worse, lead me on until they got everything they wanted out of me and then drop me. I'm not bitter.

Do you ever wonder why people that don't seem to deserve good things get them but those of us that try really hard to be a good person and do nice things for others seemed to get crapped on?

1st post

2005-11-04T11:13:00.000-08:00

So, I'm not very good at this blogging thing but maybe I'll get better and with this being semi anonymous it may help me to be able to really delve into my mind and write what I'm going through.

Lets start with some basics, I'm a 22 year old (Soon to be 23) student. I love theater in all forms, acting, directing, tech work. It doesn't matter. That being said I am gay and dealing with it. I have a semi supportive family who knows and some incredible supportive friends. My biggest problem is that having been brought up in a Christian home it is hard to deal with. I've been spending the last week getting back on my depression Medicine because stupid me, I started to feel leveled out and stopped taking them.

School is really stressing me out. I'm just not motivated to be here. I like my classes and am really busy outside of class so my homework isn't finding it's self accomplished and I really don't care. Here I am typing away when I should be working on project for a class. I don't want to fail but I'm feeling trapped in a world, a place I don't want to be in. I have student loans that have to get paid back and if I'm I school I don't have to start paying them but at the same time I'm just racking up more.

Last year at this time I had a almost complete physical and emotional breakdown because I could see my life just slipping away and I feel like I'm headed back in the same duration. I don't have all the same outside forces like best friends abandoning me this time so I might not completely lose it again but I'm definitely headed in a direction that scares me. I like to be in control and when I get like this I' m not in control.

Wow being able to just spot this out has helped a little. I don't have to worry about people thinking less of me for saying it because people don't know who I am.